I am adopted. It's a fact. It doesn't totally define everything about me, but it's a huge part of who I am. I have always felt very fortunate that God's plan for me provided the two people, three with the addition of my brother a little under 6 months later, with whom I was absolutely meant to grow up! I considered myself a chosen baby. To this day, there is nothing in the relationship with my mom and brother, and with the memory of my daddy that doesn't scream "real".
Upon finding out that it would be dangerous for me to have more children, we briefly considered adoption. Our consideration was brief and not pursued NOT because I would have considered an adopted angel any less mine, but because after getting to know my beautiful Sam, my heart is full. Nothing is missing. I am happy and at peace being a family of three. Plus we're through with midnight feedings, over bottles, binkies, and babyhood, and almost out of diapers. It's a beautiful place to be! That's not to say that my heart may never change given the right circumstances (and enough years passing since the last time I went to work with spit-up on me, exhausted from only 2 hours of sleep) but regardless of what the future holds, I will always be an adoptee.
I am amazed, 40 years into this life that there are still certain weird and awful things that people say when they find out that I am adopted. I hear some of the same questions being answered by friends who found their "meant to be" families through adoption as well. Some are just curious people who don't have bad intentions, just don't know how else to ask. Others are too weird to even try to prescribe reasoning to, or maybe not asked by people with the best of intentions or the nicest of hearts. Either way, here are a few of the actual questions I've received or comments that have been made to, or about, me in my life that are just wrong, weird, or hurtful. I hope it helps you when you're talking to friends and family who are adopted, or are adoptive parents.
1. When an adoptee becomes a the parent of a biological child, don't even dare say, "It must be nice to finally have someone look like you", or "It must be nice to finally share blood with someone". I share LOTS of things with my parents and my brother that are more important than blood. Memories, experiences, life lessons, my childhood, and lots of traditions that have made me who I am. It is wonderful to share everything with Sam that I get to share and I am proud that he grew under my heart but even prouder that he grows in my heart every day. I do think he favors me (except for his eyes, he got his dad's beautiful eyes) but it's more interesting when his manner, sense of humor, cadence, actions, nature, or words favor me and that's not necessarily DNA. Plus there are lots of parents who share blood with their children and are terrible parents. Me, I'm thankful for the sperm and egg that gave me life, but more so for my mom and dad who gave me a wonderful childhood!
2. Have you ever wanted to meet your "real" parents? What?!?! I have met them. I've been calling them mom and dad since I learned to talk. This is probably an "I didn't realize how to ask what I was trying to ask", semantics thing but it feels weird every time. I almost never referred to them as parents anyway. They are the "people who gave birth to me".
3. Was it weird growing up in a house with people you aren't related to? There are a million ways to configure a family but what matters most is love. LOVE. If you have that, you have everything. And I was, and am, blessed with a delicious overabundance!
4. Are you ever mad your parents didn't want you? I was told how badly I was wanted over and over again. I felt like a chosen baby. Until, cruel kids gave me pause. Luckily, mom and daddy were smart and strong enough to win the battle against that pause. Everything they did was to show love, give support, and provide the resources for my brother and I to develop a strong sense of self and confidence in ourselves.
5. How much did you cost? I can't even. Babies are expensive regardless of how they come to you and I am NOT a commodity. NO baby is a commodity, period. And money talk is tremendously tacky and none of anyone's damn business regardless of context anyway.
6. Your brother/cousin is so cute. Did you ever have feelings for him since he's not your real brother/cousin? Yep, I actually got this question. Really?!?! REALLY?!?! And not just once. And by more than one person. Blech! What the F is wrong with people?!?!? I have feelings for both my brother and my cousin. I love my brother and cousin LIKE A SISTER AND LIKE A COUSIN. Sick bastards!
7. Do you celebrate your birthday or do you celebrate "gotcha day"? We celebrate my birthday. We celebrate birth months actually. We never celebrated a gotcha day because we weren't purchased. We were delivered to the real parents that we were meant for. My parents wanted to give us a normal, fantastic childhood and while we were always told the truth, they worked hard to not make us feel "different". Special is one thing, but kids hate to be different.
8. Do you ever fantasize about going to live with your real family? This one almost always came from friends who were projecting anger of some sort at their own parents. I didn't have an angsty type of teenagehood so no. Plus how could I go live with someone I've never met, don't know how to find, don't care to find, and for whom I have no feelings. Okay, it's not actually true that I have no feelings for the man and woman who provided the sperm and egg that made me. I am grateful. Whatever their circumstances, they were loving, selfless, and smart enough to know that it wasn't meant to be.
9. Is it hard not to know your chance at cancer/other diseases? This was asked not only by well meaning friends who I think just didn't know how else to ask, it was also once asked of me by a medical professional. The answer is yes, but does anyone have a 100% lock on their chance at disease? If they do, where and how did they get it? This would change the world!
10. They're not "real" fill in the blank with last name anyway. My maiden name was my name from the age of 6 days to the age of 34 years. It's still my family's name and it still means a lot to me.When my dad died very suddenly at the age of 57, everyone took it very hard obviously and dealt with it in a massive range of ways. I was a 27 year old daddy's girl, chasing a dream of federal level law enforcement that my daddy was fanatically supportive of. I happened to be home from school and was lucky enough to share his final days with him. On the afternoon of his final day, he hosted a sign dedication at our local library in honor of his dad. There were 3 family members, including my grandmother who chose not to attend. He was devastated. After he died later that night, we were written off by those same three family members. Along the years, the comment was made that my brother and I weren't real their last name/my maiden name anyway. Seven years later when that grandmother passed away, we were left out of everything. I had held out hope that maybe she would come around and that she didn't believe that my brother and I weren't real family. It's awful to love a grandmother who doesn't (did she ever?!?!) consider you family because your dad/her son is dead and you were only ever an adopted person anyway. I hope and pray that this is very rare for adoptees.
11. How old were you when you got a family? I was adopted by my mom and dad at the age of 6 days. I think this is a semantics thing too but it's just kind of hurtful asked with that language. It suggests some kind of freak purgatory that adoptees share until they're wanted.
12. Teachers/friend's parents/friends/other family who point you out any time adoption is a topic. It seems like this is usually people just trying to relate or looking for more information but holy crap, sometimes I felt like I was wearing a great big scarlet A. A=adoptee in this case for you literary types.
Bottom line, if you're curious ask, but think first. Adoptees and adoptive parents the world over will thank you for thinking before you speak. I have a grateful heart for all of my family, the ones who chose me, the ones that I chose, and the ones who were chosen for me!
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