I'm feeling a little sad about Sam being an only child today. I am almost always okay with the situation because I grieved the lack of future children being possible more than two years ago now, but some days are just tough. Some days I just want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR, I WANTED THREE!!!!!!". I found out yesterday that a second cousin I grew up with was having her third and the wound was flayed wide open again. I'm happy for her, I really am, and I hope it's not unforgivable to be sad for myself at the same time.
Just after Sam was born, my liver enzymes and blood platelets went all wonky. By wonky, I mean things got scary and a liver specialist had to be called in. I was confined to the bed and I had these particularly awful, and constantly inflating and deflating, bladders on my legs to prevent blood clots 24 hours a day for 5 more days. They also doped me so hard that I only remember snippets between the liver specialist consult and the removal of my IVs. Worse than my worst ever drunk.
Turns out I had developed HELLP Syndrome. HELLP syndrome is a life-threatening pregnancy complication usually considered to be a variant of preeclampsia. It is a group of symptoms that occur in pregnant women who have:
Turns out I had developed HELLP Syndrome. HELLP syndrome is a life-threatening pregnancy complication usually considered to be a variant of preeclampsia. It is a group of symptoms that occur in pregnant women who have:
H -- hemolysis or the breakdown of red blood cells
EL -- elevated liver enzymes
LP -- low platelet count
There are scads of resources if you'd like to research further but for the purposes of this post, suffice to say, it's gnarly. It's also likely to return in subsequent pregnancies potentially endangering the lives of both mom and baby. For many reasons too scary and sad to think about, should I become pregnant again, the risk is just not worth it according to my doctors. So we are a family of three. Many people have suggested, and I have investigated, adoption. I am adopted so I am a huge supporter of adoption in all it's forms but after much soul searching, I think maybe this is what my family was meant to look like. I've not completely ruled it out, but today my heart says "Look at what you already have. Look how lucky you already are.".
SO, here is the silver lining (for me) to having an only child who is almost 3.
1. I sleep through the night, every night.
2. Soon, no more diapers......ever, ever, ever again.
3. We have our routine. Every one knows the routine. The routine won't have to be rewritten.
4. Our financial resources will not be split further, now for expensive baby items and holiday gifts, or in the future for college tuition and weddings. We also have more money with which to travel, explore, and have adventures.
5. Nursing is a pain in the ass AND boobs!
6. Every month it seems like I have to carry less and less accoutrement when we leave the house and it's fabulous. It's also great to get rid of baby gates, fireplace bumpers, high chairs, etc.
7. Lots more activities are open to us without baby slings, carriers, and strollers, like cave exploring and hiking.
8. Christmas, Easter, birthdays, story time, etc. is for all of us now. Not just for the pictures or for me and Jeff.
9. No more carrying F-ing car seats onto the plane. I can check it!
10. The rounds of immunizations (i.e. looks of betrayal on my child's face while I hold him down for shots) are over until he starts school.
11. I'm over the brand new, shiny baby phase. He's got bruises and mosquito bites and it doesn't freak me out anymore.
12. I don't have to smell baby spit-up until I have grandchildren.
13. Sam gets my full, undivided attention, energy, and mommy heart space.
14. I don't have to break up fights about whose toys are whose, or stop siblings from "I'm not touching you" games in the back seat of the car.
15. Babysitters are cheaper with only one.
16. My body is now, and will always be, mine.
Life really is a beautiful dance, and my dance partners are so perfect for me!
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