I was out of work sick and slept most of the day Tuesday. The moments I was awake were split between lying in bed staring at the ceiling (which got old) and catching up on blogs I haven't had a chance to read in a while, and finding some new blogs that I love (which never gets old).
I found approximately 15 new recipes I can't wait to try, 2 projects that I can't wait to get started on (one of which is pretty substantial so stay tuned), 3 or 4 blogs that I added to my blog reading list, was prompted with ideas for about 3 posts I will be making in the next few weeks, and reached the end of my rope with mommy-to-mommy, woman-to-man, non-mommy-to-mommy, mommy-to-non-mommy, and just about ever other conceivable combination of people that you can think of, shaming one another.
This particular frustration and drive to post began with the blog of a young mother of two gorgeous kiddos who was excitedly posting pictures of herself each week of her pregnancy with a blackboard behind her stating weeks pregnant, size of baby, etc. You've seen tons of these no doubt. Anyway she was rail thin, I mean tiny, at 18 weeks. Frankly, I was thinking, as long as she's seeing her doctor regularly throughout her pregnancy (she was) and the doc wasn't overly concerned, good for her for keeping herself fit at a time when it's too too easy to go "screw it, bring on the cake!". People were tearing this woman apart for being too skinny, for having too much make-up, for being proud of only having gained a certain amount of weight, and so on....on her own blog AND on other sites as well. She responded confidently and with a cool head, but it got me to thinking, how many things we judge, blame, shame, and criticize that are none of our business.
Wait, these thoughts actually jumped to the front of my brain even a little earlier when a couple weeks ago a (I guess) well meaning friend made some comments on how I "HAD to" fix meat for the boys when I can't have it and how that was "almost cruel" of them to expect. My response was a polite explanation of how it did not bother me followed by a not so polite statement of "I can't begin to explain how much this isn't your business" when pressed further.
All this shaming and competitive momming actually starts when you first announce you're pregnant, like in the next breath of the conversation. You start having to have exhausting, annoying conversations about immunizing vs. not, attachment vs. babywise, breast feeding vs. bottle, cloth vs. disposable, over the top birthday party vs. no birthday party, stay-at-home vs. working outside the home, full on vegan vs. full on carnivorous, sugary drink loving household, vaginal vs. C-section birth, binkie vs. no, swaddling vs. not, and on and on and on and on. I was absolutely inundated with unsolicited, unwanted advice. No, not advice, demands. At least they felt like demands, about what I should do, what I should decide, and which side of every fence I just HAD to land on.
There are a few things that are in my nature that made this even harder to stomach.
1) I'm a researcher. I got this. Don't think I didn't ingest every article, website, book, anecdote, and story that I could before I made intelligent, informed decisions about my child.
2) Peer pressure doesn't work on me. Never has. Just pisses me off.
3) I have a lifetime of experiences unique to ME that have shaped my core, and that's going to be impossible to change with your judgement. You have the same lifetime, only yours is unique to YOU.
So, if you choose to name your child #threefriggineighty, Wicked Witch, or Hootie McFarthead, that's your business. I feel sorry for the little tyke when they enter school but it's you who will have to deal with all of that fall-out. If you choose to give your 3 month old a French manicure, I would wonder if the polish was safe to go in a baby's mouth as it most definitely would, but beyond that, it's your time and effort spent. If you choose to enter the arena of competitive momming whereby your child's birthday party costs 5K and the goodie bags cost 50 bucks each, it's your $5500. Stopping short of physically harming your child with body modification, neglect, or abuse, or seriously damaging them psychologically with neglect or abuse in whatever form that might take, the absolute most you'll get from me is a hearty eye-roll. And I'll even hide that from you, lest I be drug into any additional debate. I realize this is a little contrary to the rest of my post but sometimes when I see a two month old with pierced ears or a child with no coat on when it's 35 degrees outside, I can't help myself.
I remember being about 10 and asking my mom why women couldn't be nicer to each other. I was actually asking about girls because some of the girls at school were being horrible to me. It holds into adulthood though. We're all sisters doing the best we can with our individual life's circumstances. She didn't have an answer for me then and I don't have an answer now. I still wonder why. Why aren't we supportive to women who need help, or just want to share conversation, experiences, and time because we're friends? Why aren't we loving and nurturing to each other, when we need it most, or perhaps even when we deserve it least? I don't agree with all of the choices my friends, family, and acquaintances make but guess what? Their children are not my children and that's where any argument ends. Because at the end of the day, I only have all of the information on one kiddo.
You know the only thing worse than mommy shaming? When husbands get involved........ That's another post. In the meantime, read on. I can't find an author's name but I couldn't bare not to share.
To the mom who's breastfeeding: Way to go! It really is an amazing gift to give your baby, for any amount of time that you can manage! You're a good mom.
To the mom who's formula feeding: Isn't science amazing? To think there was a time when a baby with a mother who couldn't produce enough would suffer, but now? Better living through chemistry! You're a good mom.
To the cloth diapering mom: Fluffy bums are the cutest, and so friendly on the bank account. You're a good mom.
To the disposable diapering mom: Damn those things hold a lot, and it's excellent to not worry about leakage and laundry! You're a good mom.
To the mom who stays home: I can imagine it isn't easy doing what you do, but to spend those precious years with your babies must be amazing. You're a good mom.
To the mom who works: It's wonderful that you're sticking to your career, you're a positive role model for your children in so many ways, it's fantastic. You're a good mom.
To the mom who had to feed her kids from the drive thru all week because you're too worn out to cook or go grocery shopping: You're feeding your kids, and hey, I bet they aren't complaining! Sometimes sanity can indeed be found in a red box with a big yellow M on it. You're a good mom.
To the mom who gave her kids a homecooked breakfast lunch and dinner for the past week: Excellent! Good nutrition is important, and they're learning to enjoy healthy foods at an early age, a boon for the rest of their lives. You're a good mom.
To the mom with the kids who are sitting quietly and using their manners in the fancy restaurant: Kudos, it takes a lot to maintain order with children in a place where they can't run around. You're a good mom.
To the mom with the toddler having a meltdown in the cereal aisle: they always seem to pick the most embarrassing places to lose their minds don't they? We've all been through it. You're a good mom.
To the moms who judge other moms for ANY of the above? Glass houses, friend. Glass houses.
In the eyes of our children, we're all kind of superheroes anyway, even when we feel outstandingly, overwhelmingly, absolutely average.
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